You’ve been hard at work all morning and it’s time to take a breather. Headed for the break room in search of a cup of coffee, you spot him coming right toward you.
It’s Eugene – yeah, that Eugene – Mr. Fantasy Football himself. The last time he cornered you, he was all perplexed about what to do with his running backs. The Cowboys were on their bye week, so Ezekiel Elliott was out and he didn’t know whether to start Frank Gore or Joe Mixon.
You nodded, sought to be polite, when all you wanted to do is what everyone who doesn’t play fantasy football wants to tells these pigskin dorks.
Please leave us alone. We don’t care.
No one wants to hear about your fantasy football team. Nobody. Not even the guys who are on your team. In fact, we’re willing to wager that if you told them about it, they wouldn’t care, either.
Fantasy football doesn’t make you some sort of NFL savant. Fantasy football is nothing more than dungeons and dragons for guys who used to beat up guys who played dungeons and dragons in high school.
These faux Bill Belichick’s are an embarrassment – to themselves, to others, and most especially to their favourite team, for which they have sold out their allegiance in exchange for a team that in point of fact, only exists in a fantasy world.
You may love the Steelers, but if your fantasy football quarterback is starting against Pittsburgh this week, you want him to carve up the Steelers like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Selling off your principles that easily is just wrong on so many levels.
We don’t want to hear about how you stole DeShaun Watson in the third round of your fantasy draft any more than you want to hear about somebody’s stamp collection, or the valuable antique lamp a co-worker scored for five bucks at a yard sale.
So the next time you see someone beside the water cooler and rush up to excitedly tell us all about the blockbuster trades you just pulled off in your fantasy league, help us all to live out our own fantasy and just don’t.